Heartache

I have been really missing my mom lately. I just wish I could vent to her and cry to her like a little baby and have her look at me with great concern, a person who I can go on our awkward shopping trips with, a person that I could count on not saying a word to anyone if I asked her not to. I really miss her spunky personality, smile, and her random stupid jokes that made me laugh even though I didn't know what the heck she said--either way she was funny.

I wish I could go back and change all of the times that I was so harsh and mean to her. I wish I could have taken the time to hang out with her and got to know her even more than I already did.

I'm just having a bad day with missing her lately. I'm normally not like this but I feel like this is the perfect time to just wallow in sadness for a bit.

I wish I could have said I love you to her one last time.

I miss her.

I'm done ranting now. I'm sorry

-Emily

Heavy Heart

The Lord definitely has been dealing with my heart this week, especially during spiritual emphasis week. The guy that preached was spot on and I thought there was going to be a revival break out during worship at the night services. But I wanted to talk about a topic that has stirring in my heart for around 2 hours now.

So a couple of my friends and I decide to go to this art walk downtown. The sad part is that at the time that it starts, any girl shouldn't go alone. Period. Luckily we had a group of guys with us-but that's beside the point. Any who, there are so many bars, dance clubs, and at least some decent coffee shops and restaurants. There are so many different kinds of people it is crazy!

Anyway, there was a group of what looked like Amish people. They had signs of silent protesting-truth be told kudos to them for not reacting to anything. Well as we were passing by, this guy had a bag of markers and a piece of cardboard. He was going around asking "Does anyone have a pocket knife so I can make a sign and make this guy's life a living Hell?" When i heard him saying that, it gripped my heart because he was so full of hatred. Eventually we made it around town and was heading towards the square to watch the flame throwers. It just so happened that we were in that general area where the Amish people were, only that guy that wanted to make a sign was there. He had a sign that basically said "F-- them"  I didn't see much of it because I was distracted by what he was saying. The guy was ridiculing the Amish guy saying "Gee maybe you should take a bath and put some perfume on." He went on and on and on. Granted I don't agree with what the Amish believe

This whole situation plus plenty of other people that looked so troubled, really bothered me. I just cant help but cry out to the Lord for them. All of these people, well the vast majority, looked so unhappy and just discontent with life.

When I got back to my dorm room I saw this video linked on FB about bullying. I decided to watch it and I cried. It also made me think about that guy with the Amish people. So I went to look up some scripture and this one stuck out at me.

"For God, who said, “Let there be light in the darkness,” has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ." 2 Corinthians 4:6

When I read "....Let there be light in the darkness"  It made me think of how important it is to show the love of Christ. Whether if it's just a simple hello or a smile. Maybe giving someone a hug. (although I would only suggest hugging your friends or acquaintances, not just any random person.)

Also, when people who pass me, I'm going to try to start a new habit of praying for them. You may be planting seeds where you don't realize.

Make all things New

Whoa! Where did that summer go? I'm so excited for what this year has to bring. Granted I had to go through the decision of changing my major out of the music department but I am still ready for this new change. I also live in a different dorm, with people I sorta knew but not really. I have a new RA--who happens to be fabulous, might I add. Everything seems like new to me.

There are so many new people on campus-it's crazy! There have been people that I was friends with last year that I have become even closer with this year. I also have been making new friends, which is always a bonus.

Ever since my mom passed away I have this new perspective on a lot of things. All of the hardships, heartaches, and sorrows that I dealt with last year-never thought I would really make it mind you- have really helped me become who I am today. (Even though she passed away 4 months ago.) God has made everything like new. He has created a like new faith in me, strength, joy, praise, worry free. For He has made my mom like new, even though it wasn't the way we had imagined it. There was something that a woman said at church when she closed the message for that Sunday morning and it really struck me. I would love to share with you

She said "Don't let anyone tell you that your struggles are because of a lack of faith." whoa! that seriously hit home. She also began talking about how that's the whole part of being a Christian. Us as Christians are going to suffer for Christ's sake and it's not because of our lack of faith. If we didn't suffer for Jesus, then we would be mediocre Christians. We wouldn't be able to be much of an impact because we wouldn't see how Jesus brought us out of the suffering and increased our faith in the process.

With this everything comes up with new light, or as I like to say-Like New.

So, I guess that's my motto for this year. How everything became like new and is shinning brighter than ever.

I'm super stoked for this year. (In case you couldn't tell)

My Mom

So today, I started cleaning--I'm an emotional cleaner sometimes, and I found some of my mom's old Dr appointment stuff, cards that she has received in the past, or just some supplies that were to be restocked in her room at the nursing home. After I have found some of this stuff I just about started to cry. I mean, it's just stuff right--but they hold some sort of memory of her being home, not in a nursing home, or in Heaven. I'm not wishing her back on this Earth-no because her health was terrible-but I'm just thinking about memories. Sometimes I wonder though "If only I could give her one more hug, If only I could say one more 'I Love You.', If only we could have one more heart to heart conversation, and If only I could hear her say 'I'm proud of you, one more time." Do I wish I could have her back sometimes? Of course I do, but that would be completely selfish on my part, plus the Lord wouldn't be able to use this as a testimony for not only her life, but our lives as well. 

But while I'm thinking and rationalizing through all of these thoughts I felt the Lord speak to me saying "Come to me." Which reminded me of a couple of verses in Matthew 11:28-30

"Then Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.'" 

After I reread that, I just started sobbing from the emptiness I felt with her not being there, I started crying out to God, and I just needed Him. While I spent time with the Lord an old hymn popped into my head and I started singing it. 

♫ "I love you Lord
and I lift my voice
to worship you,
oh my soul rejoice.

Take joy my king
in what you hear,
let it be a sweet,
sweet sound in your ear.
In your ear.

Yeah, I love you lord.
Oh, how i love you lord.
Yeah, I love you Lord.
Yeah, I love you Lord.

Take joy my King
in what you hear
let it be a sweet,sweet sound.
Let it be a sweet,sweet sound
Let it be a sweet, oh, sweet,sweet,sweet sound.
Will you let it be a ( I love you Lord)
oh, will you let it be a sweet ( I love you Lord) sweet, sweet sound.
Let it rise( I love you Lord) in your ear." ♫

After I sang that a couple of times, there was just an assurance and a peace that the Lord gave me. I'm so thankful. I also realized that I try to do a lot of this on my own and I can't. I need God's divine strength and love for every part of my life. 

Going through this little period of the Lord just breaking me was definitely something that I needed. 

It's time for me to get some sleep. 

The comforting embrace

There have been quite a bit of things on my mind lately and it seems like it's there is so much that it is effecting the way I think. Sometimes I even lose sleep over all of this.

BUT, what the Lord has really impressed it upon my heart that spending quality time with Him is super essential because we are not going to make it in our day to day lives. There is a devotion that I read about something similar and it really has touched me so I want to share it.

" Spending time alone with Me is essential for your well-being. It is not a luxury or an option; it is a necessity. Therefore, do not feel guilty about taking time to be with Me. Remember that Satan is the accuser of believers. He delights in heaping guilt feelings upon you, especially when you are enjoying My Presence. When you feel Satan's arrows of accusation, you are probably on the right track. use your shield of faith to protect yourself from him. Talk with Me about what you are experiencing, and ask Me to show you the way forward. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to Me, and I will come near to you."   Revelation 12:10; Ephesians 6:16; James 4:7-8

Not only is spending quality time with our God important, but I also feel like weeping in the presence of God is such a precious thing. I feel that way because it gives us an opportunity to express certain emotions and words that just can't be expressed normally. For the Lord holds our tears in His hands and know exactly how many tears we have cried and why we cried them. But when this happens God just wraps his arms around and just embraces us. This brought a certain verse to mind.

"For I will comfort you, there in Jerusalem like a mother comforts her child." Isaiah 66:13. 

Just think about that for one second. I have noticed when a child hits his/her head on the corner of the table and starts wailing, the mom comes to the child's rescue and picks the child up and hug him. When our Heavenly Father comforts us, I usually think of how awesome it is for our Heavenly Father to love us so much that He is willing to embrace us when we need it most.

Now THAT is the best hug that ANYONE could receive.

Now I'm the type of person that LOVE hugs, whether I'm giving or receiving them. My mind can't even fathom on how awesome it would to have Jesus in the flesh and just hug Him.

Talking about all of this has given me a peace in everything! I'm so thankful that God is so loving and caring beyond all of our understanding. I am also thankful that God loves me enough to discipline me when it's necessary.

Well I'm starting to veer a little off track here, but I want to close with this.

Don't EVER forget how much God loves and cares about every single aspect of your life. :)

I pray this brings comfort to your spirits

Trusting the Lord with all of Me.

So, I was thinking about the different options I have to change my major. See here's the thing that strikes me, I'm completely and absolutely terrified. What if I make a wrong decision, what if I listened to someone when I shouldn't have, and what if I am just completely not doing what I'm called to do? 

This is kind of ironic because my devotion was about trusting in God. Let me share with you. "I am your Lord! Seek me as a friend and a lover of your soul, but remember that I am also King of kings-sovereign over all. You can make some plans as you gaze into the day that stretches out before you. But you need to hold those plans tentatively, anticipating that I may have other ideas. The most important thing to determine is what to do right now. Instead of scanning the horizon of your life, looking for things that need to be done, concentrate on the task before you and the One who never leaves your side. Let everything else fade into the background. This will unclutter your mind, allowing Me to occupy more and more of your consciousness. Trust Me to show you what to do when you have finished what you are doing now. I will guide you step by step as you bend your will to Mine. Thus you stay close to Me on the path of Peace." Proverbs 19:21; Luke 1:79

See here's the thing I have always asked myself. "Why is it I can trust God with my mother's life, finances, and knowing He will meet other people's needs, but when it comes to my decision on my career and trusting Him on a step that I need to take terrifies me? Like I said earlier, I feel like I'm paralyzed with fear to some certain extent. But I know that My God doesn't give us a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7). So why should I be afraid? Why am I so terrified with life in general? Why is it so hard to see people know exactly what their field of study is and excel tremendously at it when I feel like I'm just sitting here in a corner afraid of making life decisions? 

This is when I need to continue to feed on the word of God and just simply cry out to Him. For I need reassurance that everything will work out, in due time.It might not be the road that I want or expect, but it will get me there. The Lord has been dealing with me to trust him in EVERY part of my being. Not just this thing over here, or this bigger thing over there, but every single aspect of my life, in His hands. I know He holds me in His hands and He has even told me, but to understand the true reality of that is just ahh, frightening. But He will give me the reassurance and the faith that I need. 

I know that I am called into the ministry in some sort of way. Maybe I can start from there. 

As my little internal two-year old comes to a close from frustration and confusion. I leave you with this. 

Surround yourself with encouraging people that pray for you consistently and that are very godly people. Don't let your faith waver because it doesn't seem like anything is happening. Last but not least, Pray and dig in the word of God continually.

With Jesus

As I'm lacking in the sleep department tonight, I thought I would share what has been on my heart lately. 

I read my devotion from a book called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young and let me tell you, this is fantastic.  Anyway, the subject for today, May 15 2013 really hit me. Thinking back to past experiences, and even to recent occurrences.  Let me just share with you what it said. "Spending time alone with Me is essential for your well-being. It is not a luxury or an option;  it is a necessity. Therefore, do not feel guilty about taking time to be with Me. Remember that satan is the accuser of believers. He delights in heaping guilt feeling upon you, especially when you are enjoying my presence. When you feel Satan's arrows of accusations, you are probably on the right track. Use your shield of faith to protect yourself from him. Talk with me about what your experiencing, and ask me to show you the way forward. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to me, and I will come near to you."  Revelation 12:10; Ephesians 6:16; James 4:7-8

Let me expound a little bit about what I mentioned on how this hit me. This year was my first year of college at Evangel University. There were so many uncertainties that's were lying before me. I mean I was dealing with a TON of stress. Let me back up to around 4 months ago. Around May 10th, 3 days before my high school graduation, my mom had a massive stroke. My mom has never been healthy to begin with, but when I heard this news, I was devastated, shocked, afraid, and numb. She was in the ICU. I went into her hospital room that day and just sobbed. The doctor that told us the initial diagnosis wasn't the nicest person about it, but nonetheless he said that she had a 50% chance of living. If she did she would never be the same again. When I heard this all I could picture was her being on a ventilator for the rest of her life. Not able to speak, move, or anything. Just simply lie there in a coma.  I held her hand, at the time was cold and I listened to her breathing heavily. I was sobbing, scared, and I prayed. "God, I know you have everything under control, but I'm scared. The last thing I want to do is lose my mother 3 days before graduation." The family had a lot of our church family come to support us and pray. Some of our older friends that are very strong in The Lord came and we decided to praise God. The ICU room was filled with His presence with a group of us just singing. At that moment, I knew that she was going to be alright. The Lord gave me a peace about it.Three days later she woke up and looked around. 

Eventually, she was began to get some of her speech back. After she became stable she was moved to the skilled nursing unit of the hospital. The doctors started to test her on her memory, which to their surprise was better than what they had expected and she even blew me away. She ended up staying in the hospital for 3 weeks. After she got discharged, we decided that it was best for her to live in a nursing home. We didn't like the fact that we had to make that decision, but we figured the kind of care that she needed was more than what we could do. So when she got moved there we decorated her room and visited her a TON! As she began to improve, I became even more hopeful, well excited is more the word I'm looking for. Although as much as i wanted it to be, it wasn't always a bunch of rose pedals. She did have quite  a few bumps along the way. She made several trips back and forth to the hospital with minor strokes, pain, and infections. Anyhow, all of this was happening while I was trying to prepare to head to college. Part of me wanted to stay to be with my mom, but the other part said that she will be fine and to go ahead and go. So I went ahead and decided to go anyway. The Lord gave me the strength and peace as I attended college. But as I said earlier, it wasn't always a bunch of roses either. 

I would worry about tests, grades, and whether my mom was doing alright back home. I met some of best people in my life at my University and they helped encourage me when I needed to be encouraged, prayed for different situations, and just being there when I needed someone to hug. I don't know why, but there is just something about hugs that really make me feel better. :) So let's fast forward just a little bit. 

By this time second semester is flying by and yay me, I'm getting excited that one of my best  friends, well actually she is pretty much my older sister, is graduating soon. Finals week has started and since at the time I was a music major, I had to preform a jury. (Scariest thing EVER!!) On the first day of finals I only had one final, which actually was surprising. Also by this time my mom was hospitalized again. She just got back to the nursing home a day ago, but I'm not 100% on that. Anyway, I just got done with my final and my dad called me..and I got some news that I was shocked. He told me that all my mom would do is scream because she was in so much pain. My heart broke and literally just sank. He said the only two options there were, take her to Sgf, IL and she would be in the same situation that she was in, but more comfortable. Or just take her back to the nursing home and take her off of her dialysis and she will slowly pass in her sleep. While my dad was telling me this, he broke down and he didn't know what to do and he asked for my help. He was afraid of making the "wrong" decision and have his children hate him for it. I told him that he knows what to do, and after all she's his wife. So ended up choosing the nursing home so that way when I come home I could see her more, or at least that was the plan.  

To be honest I was majorly freaking out because I was worried about that and I had my jury on Tuesday. Well, if you're a good guesser, I completely bombed my jury. I'm surprised they didn't throw me off of the stage. Needless to say, I had my mind on other stuff. I was scheduled to check out of my room on Friday since I was involved in the choir and band, which participated in baccalaureate and graduation. Luckily I didn't have any finals on Wednesday and I got another phone call that would change my life forever. 

My dad told me that the doctors didn't think my mom was going to make it till Saturday. Well crap, I've never been this scared in my entire life. I talked with my professors and I got excused from the performances and 1 final . I luckily had most of my stuff packed, so I threw the rest in bins. After everything was packed the nerves began to set in. I was so nervous I felt like I was pacing in my head. My thoughts were racing and I felt trapped. Well, that's how I felt on the inside, but the outside I looked normal. When everything was packed in the car and I got checked out of my room I thought to myself  " wow. This will be challenging, but I know I have a lot of friends that are praying." We didn't get home until almost midnight. We visited my mom in the hospital the next morning (Thursday). I was a little apprehensive because I didn't know what to expect. Her breathing wasn't normal, she lost her swallowing reflex, which in turn, made her gargle a little, and her eyes were weak. I could tell she was heavily drugged because of all the pain that she was in.  When we were all in that hospital room it was a precious moment. The 3 of us were surrounding her bed, telling her that everything will be alright and we will be fine. I could tell she was still concerned for us just by the way she looked at my brother and I. She barely moved her left arm towards us so my brother and I could hold her hand and her right eye started to tear up. She was just gazing at us, holding our hands,  wishing she could at least say something. 

The next morning I stood by her bed and watched her pass away, I didn't know what to think at first. I knew that she was not in anymore pain anymore and she is dancing with Jesus.

With all of that I was reflecting on while I was reading my devotion, The Lord has really shown me quite a bit with spending some alone time with Him. He has given me the strength to keep going. He has also given me the peace in knowing that my mom is dancing and not crippled anymore. The Lord has given me people in my life to help encourage me when I need it and in turn I can help them. 

Spending time with The Lord is a precious time and it is so vital. We need to be digging in His Word continually day in and day out. There are so many things He can show you, teach you, and guide you if you will just allow Him to. For example, lately the Lord has given me a depth of how much He really loves us. I never had a real understanding, until the past couple of weeks. He has shown me His unconditional love through my godly friends, certain acts of kindness, and just sitting in His presence with Him telling me, "Emily, I love  you so much." I'm thankful with everything that He has brought me through because I definitely wouldn't be the person who I am today. 

I'm thinking its time to go to bed now. I really hope this touched your hearts into leaning on Jesus with everything and trust Him with your whole heart. yes, it's scary thought, but why not do it together. Good night! :)

Jesus SO loves you! ♥