As I'm lacking in the sleep department tonight, I thought I would share what has been on my heart lately.
I read my devotion from a book called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young and let me tell you, this is fantastic. Anyway, the subject for today, May 15 2013 really hit me. Thinking back to past experiences, and even to recent occurrences. Let me just share with you what it said. "Spending time alone with Me is essential for your well-being. It is not a luxury or an option; it is a necessity. Therefore, do not feel guilty about taking time to be with Me. Remember that satan is the accuser of believers. He delights in heaping guilt feeling upon you, especially when you are enjoying my presence. When you feel Satan's arrows of accusations, you are probably on the right track. Use your shield of faith to protect yourself from him. Talk with me about what your experiencing, and ask me to show you the way forward. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to me, and I will come near to you." Revelation 12:10; Ephesians 6:16; James 4:7-8
Let me expound a little bit about what I mentioned on how this hit me. This year was my first year of college at Evangel University. There were so many uncertainties that's were lying before me. I mean I was dealing with a TON of stress. Let me back up to around 4 months ago. Around May 10th, 3 days before my high school graduation, my mom had a massive stroke. My mom has never been healthy to begin with, but when I heard this news, I was devastated, shocked, afraid, and numb. She was in the ICU. I went into her hospital room that day and just sobbed. The doctor that told us the initial diagnosis wasn't the nicest person about it, but nonetheless he said that she had a 50% chance of living. If she did she would never be the same again. When I heard this all I could picture was her being on a ventilator for the rest of her life. Not able to speak, move, or anything. Just simply lie there in a coma. I held her hand, at the time was cold and I listened to her breathing heavily. I was sobbing, scared, and I prayed. "God, I know you have everything under control, but I'm scared. The last thing I want to do is lose my mother 3 days before graduation." The family had a lot of our church family come to support us and pray. Some of our older friends that are very strong in The Lord came and we decided to praise God. The ICU room was filled with His presence with a group of us just singing. At that moment, I knew that she was going to be alright. The Lord gave me a peace about it.Three days later she woke up and looked around.
Eventually, she was began to get some of her speech back. After she became stable she was moved to the skilled nursing unit of the hospital. The doctors started to test her on her memory, which to their surprise was better than what they had expected and she even blew me away. She ended up staying in the hospital for 3 weeks. After she got discharged, we decided that it was best for her to live in a nursing home. We didn't like the fact that we had to make that decision, but we figured the kind of care that she needed was more than what we could do. So when she got moved there we decorated her room and visited her a TON! As she began to improve, I became even more hopeful, well excited is more the word I'm looking for. Although as much as i wanted it to be, it wasn't always a bunch of rose pedals. She did have quite a few bumps along the way. She made several trips back and forth to the hospital with minor strokes, pain, and infections. Anyhow, all of this was happening while I was trying to prepare to head to college. Part of me wanted to stay to be with my mom, but the other part said that she will be fine and to go ahead and go. So I went ahead and decided to go anyway. The Lord gave me the strength and peace as I attended college. But as I said earlier, it wasn't always a bunch of roses either.
I would worry about tests, grades, and whether my mom was doing alright back home. I met some of best people in my life at my University and they helped encourage me when I needed to be encouraged, prayed for different situations, and just being there when I needed someone to hug. I don't know why, but there is just something about hugs that really make me feel better. :) So let's fast forward just a little bit.
By this time second semester is flying by and yay me, I'm getting excited that one of my best friends, well actually she is pretty much my older sister, is graduating soon. Finals week has started and since at the time I was a music major, I had to preform a jury. (Scariest thing EVER!!) On the first day of finals I only had one final, which actually was surprising. Also by this time my mom was hospitalized again. She just got back to the nursing home a day ago, but I'm not 100% on that. Anyway, I just got done with my final and my dad called me..and I got some news that I was shocked. He told me that all my mom would do is scream because she was in so much pain. My heart broke and literally just sank. He said the only two options there were, take her to Sgf, IL and she would be in the same situation that she was in, but more comfortable. Or just take her back to the nursing home and take her off of her dialysis and she will slowly pass in her sleep. While my dad was telling me this, he broke down and he didn't know what to do and he asked for my help. He was afraid of making the "wrong" decision and have his children hate him for it. I told him that he knows what to do, and after all she's his wife. So ended up choosing the nursing home so that way when I come home I could see her more, or at least that was the plan.
To be honest I was majorly freaking out because I was worried about that and I had my jury on Tuesday. Well, if you're a good guesser, I completely bombed my jury. I'm surprised they didn't throw me off of the stage. Needless to say, I had my mind on other stuff. I was scheduled to check out of my room on Friday since I was involved in the choir and band, which participated in baccalaureate and graduation. Luckily I didn't have any finals on Wednesday and I got another phone call that would change my life forever.
My dad told me that the doctors didn't think my mom was going to make it till Saturday. Well crap, I've never been this scared in my entire life. I talked with my professors and I got excused from the performances and 1 final . I luckily had most of my stuff packed, so I threw the rest in bins. After everything was packed the nerves began to set in. I was so nervous I felt like I was pacing in my head. My thoughts were racing and I felt trapped. Well, that's how I felt on the inside, but the outside I looked normal. When everything was packed in the car and I got checked out of my room I thought to myself " wow. This will be challenging, but I know I have a lot of friends that are praying." We didn't get home until almost midnight. We visited my mom in the hospital the next morning (Thursday). I was a little apprehensive because I didn't know what to expect. Her breathing wasn't normal, she lost her swallowing reflex, which in turn, made her gargle a little, and her eyes were weak. I could tell she was heavily drugged because of all the pain that she was in. When we were all in that hospital room it was a precious moment. The 3 of us were surrounding her bed, telling her that everything will be alright and we will be fine. I could tell she was still concerned for us just by the way she looked at my brother and I. She barely moved her left arm towards us so my brother and I could hold her hand and her right eye started to tear up. She was just gazing at us, holding our hands, wishing she could at least say something.
The next morning I stood by her bed and watched her pass away, I didn't know what to think at first. I knew that she was not in anymore pain anymore and she is dancing with Jesus.
Eventually, she was began to get some of her speech back. After she became stable she was moved to the skilled nursing unit of the hospital. The doctors started to test her on her memory, which to their surprise was better than what they had expected and she even blew me away. She ended up staying in the hospital for 3 weeks. After she got discharged, we decided that it was best for her to live in a nursing home. We didn't like the fact that we had to make that decision, but we figured the kind of care that she needed was more than what we could do. So when she got moved there we decorated her room and visited her a TON! As she began to improve, I became even more hopeful, well excited is more the word I'm looking for. Although as much as i wanted it to be, it wasn't always a bunch of rose pedals. She did have quite a few bumps along the way. She made several trips back and forth to the hospital with minor strokes, pain, and infections. Anyhow, all of this was happening while I was trying to prepare to head to college. Part of me wanted to stay to be with my mom, but the other part said that she will be fine and to go ahead and go. So I went ahead and decided to go anyway. The Lord gave me the strength and peace as I attended college. But as I said earlier, it wasn't always a bunch of roses either.
I would worry about tests, grades, and whether my mom was doing alright back home. I met some of best people in my life at my University and they helped encourage me when I needed to be encouraged, prayed for different situations, and just being there when I needed someone to hug. I don't know why, but there is just something about hugs that really make me feel better. :) So let's fast forward just a little bit.
By this time second semester is flying by and yay me, I'm getting excited that one of my best friends, well actually she is pretty much my older sister, is graduating soon. Finals week has started and since at the time I was a music major, I had to preform a jury. (Scariest thing EVER!!) On the first day of finals I only had one final, which actually was surprising. Also by this time my mom was hospitalized again. She just got back to the nursing home a day ago, but I'm not 100% on that. Anyway, I just got done with my final and my dad called me..and I got some news that I was shocked. He told me that all my mom would do is scream because she was in so much pain. My heart broke and literally just sank. He said the only two options there were, take her to Sgf, IL and she would be in the same situation that she was in, but more comfortable. Or just take her back to the nursing home and take her off of her dialysis and she will slowly pass in her sleep. While my dad was telling me this, he broke down and he didn't know what to do and he asked for my help. He was afraid of making the "wrong" decision and have his children hate him for it. I told him that he knows what to do, and after all she's his wife. So ended up choosing the nursing home so that way when I come home I could see her more, or at least that was the plan.
To be honest I was majorly freaking out because I was worried about that and I had my jury on Tuesday. Well, if you're a good guesser, I completely bombed my jury. I'm surprised they didn't throw me off of the stage. Needless to say, I had my mind on other stuff. I was scheduled to check out of my room on Friday since I was involved in the choir and band, which participated in baccalaureate and graduation. Luckily I didn't have any finals on Wednesday and I got another phone call that would change my life forever.
My dad told me that the doctors didn't think my mom was going to make it till Saturday. Well crap, I've never been this scared in my entire life. I talked with my professors and I got excused from the performances and 1 final . I luckily had most of my stuff packed, so I threw the rest in bins. After everything was packed the nerves began to set in. I was so nervous I felt like I was pacing in my head. My thoughts were racing and I felt trapped. Well, that's how I felt on the inside, but the outside I looked normal. When everything was packed in the car and I got checked out of my room I thought to myself " wow. This will be challenging, but I know I have a lot of friends that are praying." We didn't get home until almost midnight. We visited my mom in the hospital the next morning (Thursday). I was a little apprehensive because I didn't know what to expect. Her breathing wasn't normal, she lost her swallowing reflex, which in turn, made her gargle a little, and her eyes were weak. I could tell she was heavily drugged because of all the pain that she was in. When we were all in that hospital room it was a precious moment. The 3 of us were surrounding her bed, telling her that everything will be alright and we will be fine. I could tell she was still concerned for us just by the way she looked at my brother and I. She barely moved her left arm towards us so my brother and I could hold her hand and her right eye started to tear up. She was just gazing at us, holding our hands, wishing she could at least say something.
The next morning I stood by her bed and watched her pass away, I didn't know what to think at first. I knew that she was not in anymore pain anymore and she is dancing with Jesus.
With all of that I was reflecting on while I was reading my devotion, The Lord has really shown me quite a bit with spending some alone time with Him. He has given me the strength to keep going. He has also given me the peace in knowing that my mom is dancing and not crippled anymore. The Lord has given me people in my life to help encourage me when I need it and in turn I can help them.
Spending time with The Lord is a precious time and it is so vital. We need to be digging in His Word continually day in and day out. There are so many things He can show you, teach you, and guide you if you will just allow Him to. For example, lately the Lord has given me a depth of how much He really loves us. I never had a real understanding, until the past couple of weeks. He has shown me His unconditional love through my godly friends, certain acts of kindness, and just sitting in His presence with Him telling me, "Emily, I love you so much." I'm thankful with everything that He has brought me through because I definitely wouldn't be the person who I am today.
I'm thinking its time to go to bed now. I really hope this touched your hearts into leaning on Jesus with everything and trust Him with your whole heart. yes, it's scary thought, but why not do it together. Good night! :)
Jesus SO loves you! ♥
No comments:
Post a Comment